Going the Distance Does Not Work

19 May

Drew Barrymore‘s and Justin Long‘s characters Erin and Garrett respectively in Going the Distance may cutely enough display a couple griped against a long distance relationship but as with any RomCom give a ‘happily ever after ending’ rather than the truth.

The truth being that Going the Distance doesn’t actually work. Why do I say this? Am I so negative, so close-minded as to not consider maybe their tale be true? Well there might be some truth in that but my truth is that it doesn’t work. How do I know? Because my long distance relationship didn’t work out. I should have known from the beginning it was doomed.

We met online, my girlfriend and me, not through a dating website mind, but a website called Tumblr. Back then in March 2011 you would find, mainly girls, fangirling over TV Shows, movies, actresses and actors. I’d joined Tumblr in May 2010 with the user name ‘seekerbaby’ for the TV Show Legend of the Seeker which typically had been cancelled after two years at this point. The term seekerbaby came from the leading actress Bridget Regan were she tweeted and called seeker fans seeker babies.

Anyway so yes we were both on tumblr, fangirling about Legend of the Seeker and Bridget Regan (and her tweets) and somehow I jumped her on twitter and after a conversation on MSN we ‘agreed’ to be girlfriends. This was March 20, 2011. My 22nd birthday was on March 22nd (did you get that?!).

Things were blissful for the first two weeks and then we had our first fight in the middle of the night and at 5am we both agreed it’s because we had wanted to tell the other we loved them days before this time. Seems a little early if you ask me and I was aware of that at the time however I couldn’t help my feelings. Course you have to wonder how you can love someone without seeing or hearing them, just sending text messages but it was my first relationship and I was naive, so was she. Looking back this was pretty silly.

I didn’t tell anyone in my real life about her until after I had visited her twice during the summer. We had to wait five months for our first visit – which highly frustrated me – and maybe should have been the first sign of failure. I hated using my phone for texting as much as I did but once I upgraded my iPhone 3G to 4 that was a massive improvement. She got an iPhone 4 just for me and so when I got mine we could Facetime together.

Before that she made a voicepost on Tumblr and I remember how sexy her voice sounded. She’s German but speaks English fluently so her German accent doesn’t exist. At the time it sounded South African to me but others have told her she sounds Australian, British even, American and funnily enough, German. Ask me now and I don’t think you can tag it to anything, I might say German now in all honesty just because I think I can tell now that I’ve spoken to more Germans.

Our first visit latest three weeks, where the first two were her vacation from nurse training. We didn’t do much – the weather wasn’t that great. It was more a case of getting used to one another and learning things about each other. I probably shouldn’t admit to this but I have such a high sex drive I hope my next girlfriend can match then maybe there might be less sexual frustrations on my end – otherwise it’s a case of sorting myself out! (Oh dear I have gone too far! Just the truth though!).

The third week of the first trip she had to go to school were she is taught about nursing and nursing concepts over practical work in placements at hospitals and clinics. This was a tense week as I had to sit basically not being spoken to (because I don’t speak German) and it was tough for us both. Admittedly I didn’t help myself – I should have learnt some German so as to make things a little easier for myself but I had always done French at school. No one had expectations of me but I think it would have helped everyone. And I hated getting jealous and angry with her when I felt so lonely and abandoned – she never meant for me to feel like that, but I couldn’t keep those feelings away either.

The first time we had to say goodbye, when I had to return to England for university, was excruciatingly awful and painful. One of the worse experiences I’ve ever had. Weeping with tears and broken hearted it was just terrible. I should have learnt from this that I wasn’t strong enough for a long distance relationship. My sister said that if I had found my true love that nothing else mattered and I should leave uni and move to Germany. Pretty glad I didn’t go through with that now! What a mistake that would have been. Where would I be now? Stranded in a foreign country unable to speak the language. It would have been so scary!

Once back in England I spent two days bawling my eyes out which was horrendous and then I spent two weeks in the States with my dad which helped distract me. However I was back in England for one night before I travelled back to Germany for 10 days. (In those 7 weeks I spent 3 days in England!). She had school again, and I can’t remember if this time I stayed at home – I don’t think I did, I think I asked to which made her cry when I explained I felt lonely when I was right next to her. Geez how much attention do I need?! She had her 20th birthday and I think she came down with cold that day so there was a bit of tension between us because we weren’t talking.

We spent a lot of time watching things and sometimes I would get restless because I didn’t want to just sit watching stuff all the time, I wanted to watch her, enjoy her company ‘fully’ chat as much as possible. I think I’m a far more needy than she is although she always said we were as needy as each other. I think this was a problem because we didn’t see things the same or couldn’t agree so there was always tension between us. Or I always put tension between us.

Thinking about it, I was the one who always brought the problems to the table. Picking out this and that. I think genuinely sometimes there were true but perhaps others times I was just looking for trouble. I never seemed to want to let myself be 100% happy – I always needed problems and drama.

I think it went one step too far when I was beginning to get overly stressed with uni work and coursework and my maths module. The teaching wasn’t really working out. She was due to visit me and I stressed she wouldn’t have a good time and dump me. I picked her up from the airport and we were both really excited that first night but I didn’t sleep at all during those first three nights. The forth night I was shattered and ended up having a panic attack through exhaustion and anxiety. My housemates called for an ambulance and I was taken to A&E. I was sent home with Diazapham for ‘hysteria’ – which offended me some and I couldn’t bring myself to look at anyone. I felt humiliated and ashamed and just wanted to be left alone or locked up. I would have anxiety and panic attacks everyday until my housemates rang my mum to come from Sheffield to come pick me up and take me back with her. That was Thursday 22 March and it was my 23rd birthday. I didn’t get any presents and it certainly didn’t feel like my birthday. My girlfriend came with me to Sheffield.

I was admitted to Sheffield Hallamshire hospital for a week where they observed me over the weekend and then had an EEG and MRI scans (which came back negative). I had panic attacks whilst I was here but I think it’s because the stress and anxiety of being lonely and feeling abandoned were all too much. The frustration I would feel when nothing was going on and before I had company. Although saying that I had the company of my girlfriend for most of the day even out of visiting hours and this was starting to get to be too much. I needed space to breath but didn’t feel I could ask for it. She didn’t get along with my mum – who is quite a fusser but at this time she really wasn’t being that way. My girlfriend is spoiled a lot by her family in Germany so this probably didn’t help.

When my sister came from Worcester to stay in Sheffield I think she felt threatened and so this worsened her behaviour. Which didn’t help me. Essentially things were easily going quickly downhill. I was realising that things were going to end.

Once she left it took a few days and then the Sunday after the Thursday I was dismissed from hospital I ended it over text (how weak) without giving any reason. In all honesty I thought I was being taken away and locked away forever.

Panic attacks had crippled my brain and stolen some of my memory. They are the scariest thing I have ever experienced. You feel like you are dying and when I came out of it I was convinced it was 2053, that I was an old woman and everyone I knew had died. A lonely world indeed. It wasn’t until someone spoke to me that I could place who I was and where I was and my correct age. It took until I had proper company for me to be able to even smile and not feel so depressed.

I’ve come along way since then. Although I think I still have my depressed moments. I’m trying to get past that. A lot of it is feeling lonely and being single and not wanting to be. For the longest part of my life I’ve had the biggest trust issues which is why I didn’t have relationships. I’ve always felt unlovable and I’ve slipped back towards that although the past two days or so I feel against this. I’ve been a bit pervy on photos of Lesbians on Tumblr – oops! Some girls are just really fit! They have equally fit girlfriends though. Damn it. Well I need a style change and need to put more effort into my looks then I might pull a real looker and have some really hot sex. Yes I went there.

I don’t regret our relationship and I learnt a lot out of it. I just need to play around a bit until I find a nice girl that wants to be my girlfriend without controlling and manipulating me. Also, no long distance please!


5 Responses to “Going the Distance Does Not Work”

  1. eof737 May 19, 2012 at 7:28 pm #

    Welcome back to blogging Em! We had all wondered what happened to you. Sorry to hear about your struggle but it sounds like you learned a lot and grew from it. Wishing you well in all you do. TY for stopping by my blog to comment. It was a nice surprise to hear from you.
    Best wishes to you and your family! 🙂

    • Em May 19, 2012 at 7:53 pm #

      Thanks! Yeah Uni and my relationship meant I found it hard to find time to go online. So now I’m single I have time to blog again! I love your blog!

      • eof737 May 19, 2012 at 11:34 pm #

        Same and TY! Have a great weekend! 🙂

  2. imogenc May 29, 2012 at 6:51 pm #

    So sorry that didn’t work out for you. Looks like I’ve been lucky, this far -hope it lasts…

    • Em May 29, 2012 at 7:09 pm #

      I hope it works out for you! And I’m sure it will. I knew quite early on we weren’t quite right for one another but she always begged me to keep trying.

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